"THE WHEELSUCKING DISASTER: TRUMP ON 'WEAK WOUT'

"Look, we have to talk about Wout. We call him 'Weak Wout', okay? A lot of people are saying it. The smartest people, the best cycling experts, they come to me with tears in their eyes and they say, 'Mr. President, Wout is a total disaster.' And they're right. He's a loser. A very high-level loser, but a loser nonetheless.

First of all: the wheelsucking. It's disgraceful. I've never seen anything like it. He sticks to those back tires like a magnet. He's a parasite, believe me. A massive parasite. I could build a wall—a beautiful, golden wall—around the peloton, and Wout would still find a way to hide behind it just to stay out of the wind. Real winners ride in the front. I'm always in the front. My hair? Always in the wind, never moves. But Wout? SAD!

And then there's the falling. Always falling. Boom! On the ground. Again. I like people who don't fall, okay? I like cyclists who stay on their bikes. You've got the Tour of Flanders, you've got Paris-Roubaix—beautiful races, we love the cobblestones, very tough—and Wout is lying in a ditch somewhere. It's embarrassing. I never crash. I win. I win so much I get tired of winning. But Wout? Wout likes to hug the asphalt. Maybe he needs training wheels? I can get him the best training wheels, the biggest ones you've ever seen.

And let's talk about giving away victories. Who does that?! He gets to the finish line with that French guy, Laporte. A Frenchman! We love France, but we beat them, right? And Wout says, 'You go first, Christophe. I don't need to win.'What is that?! That is very weak. A total low-energy move. I never give anything away. I take everything. If I'm in a sprint, I win by a landslide. Wout is handing out presents like he's Santa Claus, but without the nice red suit.

And then he drags his entire family everywhere. The wife, the kids, the dogs... it's a traveling trailer park! You're there to work, Wout! It's a race, not a vacation in the Ardennes. I bring my family to work too, but they look fantastic and they make billions of dollars. Wout's family just stands there watching him come in second. Always second. Second place is just the first loser, everybody knows that.

Look at Mathieu. Magic Mathieu. Now, that's a winner. He wears the white jersey, I love the color white, it's a great color. He rides away and Wout just sits there looking at his back wheel, probably waiting for the next corner so he can fall off again.

It's time for a real champion. We're going to Make Cycling Great Again, but we're not doing it with Wout. Wout is FIRED. He's done. Go play in the mud with your little cyclocross bike, Wout. We're going with the winners. Thank you, everybody!"